Everything I Had
by Maja Elisabeth
Summary: "I'm leaving, I've decided this is the best for both of us" she continued to walk towards the elevators. This time his footsteps remained silent, he wasn't following her any more.
1. Chapter 1

**Title**: Everything I Had

**Author**: Maja Elisabeth

**Rating**: T

**Pairing**: Mac/Stella

**Summary**: "I'm leaving, I've decided this is the best for both of us" she continued to walk towards the elevators. This time his footsteps remained silent, he wasn't following her any more.

**Disclaimer**: Don't own anything

**Timeline**: All screwed, Angell is alive and Lindsay's pregnant. Whoho! It doens't add up with the real story. But I want it to be this way

**A/N**: I haven't watched the last seasons of CSI:NY where Stella's not in it... heh.. It was a really long time since I wrote something so don't be so hard on me, but I want to know how I managed :) So please send me a review

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><p>Sometimes you just have to embrace and take care of whatever life throws at you, even though you might not like it at this very moment, but some day – eventually – you will. Sometimes you come to a dead end, but it's the way you chose to get out of there which counts, and becomes a great difference in your life. These wise words had a nurse at the orphanage said to her once when she sat by the window watching the rain fall down from the gray sky. She had always remembered these words, but funny thing is – she couldn't recall what the nurse's name was.<p>

New York City, Stella thought. Is this my dead end? She sat by the window in her office, watching as the raindrops fell frequently from above. Somehow she felt trapped in this life she was living right now, her own skin was like a prison to her. Anxiety and sleepless nights wasn't really a new friend of hers.

She was restless, somehow - this big city felt too small for her. Stella needed something new, a drastic change or something interesting, just something... something … or... rather _someone. _In a city with 8 million people, she couldn't have felt more alone.

Work was just the same thing, over and over again. She started to doubt if there really was any good hearted people out there, with all the murders and homicides and everything they had to take care of every day, every week.

She let out a deep sigh, from the bottom of her lungs. Everything felt so pointless. Lindsay had Danny, Danny had Lindsay and soon they were having a baby. Don's romance with Angell had just been revealed, but neither of them seemed to care who knew and who didn't. Honestly, she were happy for all of them. But she? Who had she? The feeling of emptiness made itself reminded in the pit of her stomach. It hit her hard, as if she were hit with a baseball bat.

She needed someone too. Someone to hold and take care of, someone who held her and took care of her. She needed to feel loved.

The last man she'd been with was only for over a night, this man had kissed her like noone else had, and found feelings deep inside of her that she never thought she had within her, he made her feel beautiful and loved. But he'd disappeared before she'd woken up. Truth be told, Stella had never slept as good as she did that night, knowing that maybe someone was there beside her when she woke up, maybe stayed with her. Held her throughout the nights. She had hoped for so much more than just a night, but never said it. He was gone. And now he wouldn't even look at her, and when he did – he wouldn't even look in her eyes. Perhaps he was ashamed? Perhaps he regretted everything that he done and said that night? Or he could have been more drunk that she thought, maybe he didn't remember.

It made her hurt every time they went past each other in the break room, or in the lab. It was not like pretending it never happened – it was pretending that she weren't existing in his eyes anymore. She was just as invisible as air.

What made her ache even more was the fact that this man was Mac Taylor. Mac Taylor. Her best friend, maybe her only friend and also boss. Some things are just not made to last, but she really thought that they would – but he never gave them a chance to even try. It was like saying no before you even had the time to ask for what you wanted too.

Stella twisted a honey colored strand of hair with her index finger, and stared hazily at the computer screen in front of her. Numbers rolled on the screen and she were supposed to know what they meant, right now – they were just numbers. Nothing special. Nothing at all.

The tension around the CSI lab were already noticeable, the others had in a very early stage found out more or less painfully that neither Mac or Stella were talking to each other in exaggerated measures. It could sometimes be enough with a quick nod, and then leave the spot as fast as possible. In the long run it would be unbearable for all of them to work under these kind of conditions. Not that Danny, Don or anyone else had said anything, but it wasn't needed.

The click of her heels echoed throughout the empty lab as she walked down the corridor to Mac's office. Carefully she tapped on his glass door. Stella saw him sitting behind his desk which was buried under tons of paper. He nodded and waved to her that she may enter.

"Stella" Mac said, his eyes wandered back to his paperwork. His eyes refused to meet hers. It stung in her heart.

"Taylor" she sat down on the chair opposite to him, without his permission. In the corner of her eyes she could tell that he was a bit annoyed. "I won't be long" she assured him, as she saw his jaws clench.

"Bonasera" he said, deciding to be more formal, when she did so. "Anything I can help you with?"

Gosh, she thought, it was like she was talking to a whole different person, not her best friend. Or wait, could she count him as her best friend anymore?

"Yes" she said, trying to sound calm with her heart racing within her chest. Stella could hear every beat of her heart in her hears. Ba-dum, ba-dum... "I decided that I would like to resign"

"What?" he spitted out, Mac could not any longer hold the formal undertone in their conversation.

"You heard me" Stella said and tried to stay focused and composed. "I would like to resign"

"Why?"

She rose from the chair and moved towards the door, Mac's chair which he was sitting on made a squeaky noise when he stood up too. His fast footsteps were soon catching up with the click of her heels.

"Why?" he repeated.

Stella turned around, and for the first time he actually looked in her eyes as he spoke. His ice blue eyes were filled with anger mixed with something that she couldn't tell what it was.

"I've decided this is the best for both of us" she continued to walk towards the elevators. This time his footsteps remained silent, he wasn't following her any more.

"For us?" he repeated. "As in for you and me?"

"No" she whispered, impossible for him to hear, and laid a hand protectively over her stomach.

"Is this the best for you and me?" was the last thing she heard as the elevator doors shut, and closed him out from her.

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><p>Please review :)<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Mac Taylor was a man known for always having the last word in a conversation or in an argument, and he was also known as a man who knew what he wanted. Untill now all of that was true. But now, he didn't know what he wanted, and in his last conversation with Stella, he did not get the last word. Or to be honest, he did not get the last word in any argue or conversation with Stella. But that's the exeption that confirmes the rule.

That beautiful night for about six weeks they had shared together, both of them had given everyting they had to one another. That night nothing else mattered but them, he'd given her all his love, trust and soul.

But that was what scared him the most, what he was able to give to her, things he found deep inside of him that he'd never knew existed before. He'd given Stella so much more of everything that he hadn't been able to give to Peyton, nor even Claire.

It scared the hell out of him.

When he lay there in her bed, listening to her soft snoring. To see her sleeping beside her was pure pleasure. But somehow he knew that those feelings he felt right now, he would not be feeling tomorrow morning.

Regret, and angst was what he would most likely feel. He had slept with his best friend. The only one in the world who understood him, who knew how to make his life better when he was down low. It was a big mistake, he was jeopardizing his friendship with her just for one night. For one night of glowing passion he'd never experienced before.

Mac knew he would lose her, ever since that night he'd been avoiding her. Didn't speak to her, tried his best to shut her out. He wanted to ignore the fact that they had spent the night together, sometimes if you ignore someting long enough – sometimes, or very very seldom, the problem you ignored was about to be solved by someone else, or the problem just decided to go away. He hoped this was the case here. But deep inside he knew that he had to deal with it, like a grown up man. This problem or whatever you want to call it would not go away that easily.

He knew it was a stupid thing to do, but this time he had a choice. To leave or be the one who were left behind. Left with all the broken feelings and sleepless nights. He did not want to go back to be that man who he became when Peyton left him.

When Peyton left him, every piece of him scattered all around. His world came crashing down, and he wondered why everytime he opened up to someone that person disappeared.

Stella could not disappear from him, he needed her more than ever. He needed her with him, all the time.

Four small pink boxes were lined up at the bathtub edge, one after one. All of them were opened, and the small stick inside were taken out. They were threwn in the zink, but the fourth one were still in her hand. Stella could no longer feel the cold of the tiles on the bathroom floor. She'd sat on the floor too long to feel the coldness embracing her leg and back. All the brunette could think about was the stick in her hand showing a small plus sign. She was pregnant. It was getting harder and harder to breathe, she wiped away droplets of perspiration that had begun to form on her forehead with a shaky hand. So this was actually true. She was pregnant.

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><p>It was a short chapter, but I had to update. Thanks for reading! MajaE


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey! Long time no see! Sorry for the short chapter and for not updating for like... forever! Enjoy and please review and tell me if I should continue writing. Thanks :)**

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><p>"Hey you," Danny's husky New York accent brought him back to reality. "Where is Stella?"<br>"Huh?" Mac blinked as his co-worker made his way towards him with a coffee mug in his right hand. The past nights without any sleep started to rub off on him.

"You look like you could use this" Danny put down the mug with steaming hot coffee in front of his boss.

"Thanks" Mac stared down at the hot liquid, hoping that Danny would not see his red eyes, giving away the lack of sleep, and was quietly hoping that he would leave him alone.

"Stella?" Danny watched as Mac did his best to avoid any form of eye contact. "Where?"

"I don't know" he muttered under his breath. "Or, she has fallen ill, the flu you know"

"You don't know, or she has the flu?" Danny arched a brow. "Which of it is it?"

"The flu... probably"

"You sure don't seem so convinced" for the first time their eyes met, and Mac hoped that he would not mention the huge bags under his eyes. "But ok, the flu then."

"Yeah" Mac managed to choke up, and Danny finally left his office.

Everyone at the lab knew something was wrong, even though with no Stella around the tension in the air seemed to grow by every passing minute, and everyone was tiptoeing around Mac waiting for the great discharge. But so far, nothing has happened.

"What did he say?" Lindsay asked as Danny came back to the break room, anxious of what news her fiancé would bring.

"Well, either Stella has the flu, or he don't know" Danny shrugged.

"What kind of answer is that?" Sid took another sip of his herbal tea.

"Something is wrong!" Lindsay said with a sigh, worried that it would be something much worse than the flu.

Mac could barely hear his co-workers and friends talk in the beak room, he could only interpret words here and there. And from what he could hear they were talking about him. A part of him could not bare to tell them the truth, that she quit. She left. She was gone. He was still holding on to that last thread of hope that she would come back, that everything would go back to normal again. But truth be told, he didn't know what normal was anymore. Ever since that night with Stella, everything had suddenly become so much clearer and more obscure at the same time. When he had her in his arms, he felt like he had the answers to all the questions of the world, and within a blink of an eye – he had lost it all.

What was she doing right now? Mac ran his fingers through his hair and let out a sigh. Nothing he could say or do would bring her back. The coffee had already cooled down, and did not seem to be appealing to him anymore.

A thousand thoughts ran through her head. Yes, she was happy for the baby she was carrying, but not under these circumstances. Stella knew what it was like to grow up without parents, and would do anything in her power to make sure this unborn child would not experience what she had gone through. She really wanted that this child would grow up knowing that he or she both had a mother and father that would go to the end of the world and back just for the sake of it. Mac would make a great father, and without being able to control the small smile escaping from her lips just by thinking of Mac as a father. He would be perfect, he would sing to the baby, he would play with it and teach useless knowledge and shenanigans. Stella knew that Mac wanted to become a father, he had told her once. But the final question still remained in her head though, did he want to be the father of her child?


End file.
